More Than Words

I just cannot seem to, every time I try to write and find the words to articulate the extent of my love for him, and how painful it was to let him go.

But then somehow I came to realize, these feelings need not words and need not explaining after all, for I know that no matter what—we may drift far from each other as time unfolds—he will always occupy a special place in my heart, and my soul will never forget how it was to be touched by his love that was once so joyful and pure.

And that sure is enough, more than any words could do.

This is me, finally forgiving and freeing myself from the chains of any memory and heartache that may hold me back from healing and moving forward every day, and to hoping that I will find peace and comfort in my own journey.

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Small Talks

Small talks.

That’s not what I crave for. Tell me your biggest fears, your worst nightmares. The person you always dreamed of becoming when you were a kid, and why you think it’s an improbable dream now that you’re grown up. The reason why you never finished reading a particular book. Tell me what ticks you off and how you’re able to find peace just by looking at the serene night sky. Tell me about that old man you saw in the train, clutching his own cane, alone. Or how you would rather not wear your jacket in the midst of a February midnight breeze. Tell me about your frustrations and what makes you hate people so much. Tell me something you’ve never told anyone else before.

I wanna know the depths of your mind, see the shadows of your heart. I want to embrace your humanity—you as a person of vulnerability and strength, not just another being forced to live just because you were given life. I want to trace my fingers through every inch of the scars your soul acquires every time you find yourself lost and no one heard your cries. Because I want to be that person who hears. I want to kiss all your bruises whenever life knocks you down yet you still find a way to wake up everyday with a forgiving smile. I want to be the person who helps you heal your ache. I want to be the one you find yourself at home with whenever you cannot seem to find a place where you can fit in this desolate world.

All I want is to be that someone who never leaves you at your lowest point. Who bears with you no matter how rough and ugly things could get. That someone who believes in you when you don’t. Not because I want the same intense of affection from you in return, but because I know exactly what it feels to yearn for a company that’s never there, and I don’t want you to feel that way.

And it’s okay, if you cannot be the same for me, trust me.

I’ll be okay.

Muffled Harmony

You speak to me
as bright as winter’s glow
catching each breath of snow
I take in dearly;

You speak to me
as though the sun had set
for the stars to shine free,
as though rainbow’s end
weren’t fantasy;

You speak to me
like how chains clink
off of prisoner’s wrist,
leaving marks of sentence
but none of his regrets;

You speak to me
like those of artworks in a gallery
an incomprehensible picture
none ever understood
but you and me;

You spoke
like nobody ever did,
and with those mem’ries I’ll keep
’til tremors of thunder
no longer
muffled our harmony.

12.9.17

Farewell

My hands held tight of the pen, afraid it might slip from trembling,
I saw no more than blurred scribbles on a sheet of paper
as the tears gather in the rim of my eyes, but they won’t fall, no—
not until this farewell I’m writing
reaches your heart,
and feel it change nothing of our fate
I once thought I’m capable of changing.

Things To Take From 2017

I listed a few things I learned from 2017 to welcome the year 2018.I hope to bear these learnings with me throughout, and that somehow it shines upon others too.

I listed a few things (well, 18 things) I learned from 2017 to welcome the year 2018. These come first-hand, as I had been through pretty rough road in the past year. Can’t say it’s totally over, but hey, I’m still here, waking up everyday, doing what I have to. I hope to bear these learnings with me throughout, and that somehow it shines upon others too. Here goes…

  1. Change is never easy. Just learn to catch up on it and the way is never lost.
  2. Hope can be a dangerous thing. But it can also save one person from drowning. Hold on to it as long as it motivates you achieve things—from the simplest goals to your biggest dreams.
  3. Love doesn’t always come in the form of sweet words, flowers and chocolates. It prevails mostly when the relationship and each individual hit the bottom rock; when they give comfort, support, and choose to stay with each other figuring things out together like a team, no matter how shitty things could get.
  4. Depression is real. But so is faith.
  5. There will be times, days, weeks, or even months, when we feel like the universe conspire to make our lives the worst case possible. But one thing it teaches us is that there will always be a tomorrow, allowing us to heal, move on and make the situation better.
  6. When you find that you can no longer help yourself, seek one from a friend, a family member, or from anyone. Facing things on your own may teach you to become independent, but it doesn’t hurt to put your guards and pride down at some point, allowing outside perspective in. No man is an island.
  7. When we fuck up, allow ourselves to think or maybe even brood about the bad decisions we made. Never be afraid to offer apologies to the ones we have wronged or crossed with. Push ourselves to do better the next time we get the chance to make up for the mistake. Then get over it.
  8. Doesn’t it feel good when someone makes us happy? But happiness is still and will always be the best when it comes from ourselves.
  9. What we give, doesn’t always come trotting back to us. It doesn’t work that way, nor it ever will. Some of the efforts or sacrifices are possibly meant to be left suspended in the air, and some thrown out in the void without us being sure whether or not it’s been received at all. Reciprocation isn’t for the daily; at least not the way we stubbornly expected it to be.
  10. A simple smile can go a long way.
  11. Shed light to those in the dark as much as you can. Not because you expect them to do the same for you when you’re in the situation, but just because. Man it feels good.
  12. When you love someone, say it. Make them feel that way. There’s no shame in it. Seize the moment, water and grow your feelings. Life is short. Waiting for the “right time” is bullshit. Who knows? They—or you—might be completely gone by tomorrow.
  13. Nobody is perfect. But we can always be the better version of ourselves today from yesterday.
  14. Don’t bottle up emotions. When you’re happy, be free to laugh and act silly. When sad, give yourself a little time to cope, but do not get stuck in it. When angry, pause, breathe and think. Act upon your emotions, but don’t get so hung up on it.
  15. There’s always a rainbow after the rain. The sun will come shining after the storm. Cliches, but fuck yes.
  16. Always see the good in everything. If you can’t, perhaps there’s something to be learned from it instead. If not, just appreciate and never take life’s simplest pleasures and privilege for granted.
  17. People don’t come with a neon sign telling us to be cautiously gentle on them because they are going through tough times. Each person we encounter day by day are fighting battles of their own. Learn to be more patient and forgiving.
  18. LIFE is a CHOICE.

Strange Woman

I stand in front of a mirror
eyes skeptic,
darting from one angle
to the other of my reflection;

Am I the same, or
have I changed?

Finding evidence in the bruises,
or any hand prints,
or any marks
that may suggest
of the dimmed, heated night
though there was none…

Except from the pulsing pain,
I find oddly and sweet
swinging backwards and forwards
there and again;

At last,
a breath escaped from my lips,
relieved,
I turned my back against it
now willing to leave,

But something gnaws,
unwordly thoughts,
perhaps remorse
or triumph all the same,
piercing from the eyes
of the person before I,

Was it truly me,
standing in front of a mirror,
or a strange woman entirely?

Chaos In My Mind

It’s a chaos in my mind
I need to write
but my hands are tied,
and the ink is dried;

Inspiration
is not something
I try to find,
is rather a thing
of superficial and lies;

It’s a chaos in my mind
yet despite of it all
I do not hear any voice
let alone my own;

Wordless feelings
wordless thoughts
wordless nothing and everything at the same;

How to end,
How to begin?